How to give hard feedback (and get it).

Hearing honest feedback sometimes sucks. 

Actually, it nearly always sucks. 

But you know what’s worse?

Giving that type of feedback to someone else.

Finding the courage to deliver raw and honest feedback is some of the hardest work we do inside organisations.

For me, it’s the fear that builds beforehand that’s the toughest bit.

The worry you might.

• Making them angry
• Hurting someone's feelings
• Or affecting a long-term relationship

Truthfully, I’ve even sat in meetings trembling before giving someone really honest feedback... Yuck!

Thankfully I’ve gotten more comfortable with it over the years but those first few times were the pits.

And for that reason, most new leaders avoid it. 

They claim to focus on hiring good people and leaving the personal development to someone else.

Expecting their team to be self-aware and self-motivated enough to seek feedback and grow on their own.

Ahhh… FYI. That rarely happens.

And it’s also wildly unreasonable for you to expect it.

(I know because I did it…)

Most people end up seeking validation and permission for things they know they’re already good at instead of the stuff they need to hear.

But remember when it’s uncomfortable to hear, it probably means you need to hear it.

So today, let’s look at how to build the foundations to make sure you’re getting the type of feedback you need to grow, and you’re in a position to give it without igniting a wildfire inside your company.

1. Look In The Mirror

Yes Dian, if you want honesty, you first need to get honest with yourself.

Every time I have a problem in my company,

I only have to look in the mirror to find the cause.

- Tom O'Toole

And if you can’t then take 100% responsibility for it and share that with your team, you’ll never inspire them to do the same.

But when you do it, something powerful happens. 

Owning it makes it easier to do something about it. 

You’re not waiting for someone else to change, it’s just you in control of you. 

And the sharing that makes other people want to help you.

2. Kindness

Gary Vee uses the phrase ‘Kind Candor’ to describe the culture they’re trying to create at Vayner Media.

I don’t know much about their company but his words about coming from a place of kindness and support when delivering feedback have always been something I’ve tried to live by. 

As leaders, you must see the good in people.

Most good people are already hard enough on themselves. 

They don’t need you in their face confirming that they missed the mark when they know it themselves.

So your job isn’t to curse at them, it’s to connect them to a higher vision of themselves. 

Hold them accountable to their own high standards. 

For example, it’s not “John, that’s not up to our standards here.”

Instead, it’s: “John, I’ve seen you deliver much higher standards. I know you’re capable of brilliant work. Is everything okay?”

That leads us to...

3. Safety

I’m not gonna lie, creating a culture where people feel that it’s safe to be brutally honest takes time. 

Especially when the group is larger or has new members. 

So don’t try to rush it (but start today).

Lay the foundations for it at the start of each feedback session and things will naturally get easier.

Simon Sinek has a great opener for a feedback session so steal his.

He opens with:

These feedback sessions are to benefit you because we care about you and your growth as a team member. 

And the people in this room would rather not share this stuff because what they have to tell you is really uncomfortable for them. 

But they're going to muster the courage to do it because they care about you, and no one else can do this. 

So sit there and say thank you.

And if you disagree with it, just brush it away.

Because if it triggers you and makes you angry, it’s probably true.

Now, our culture isn't perfect. 

We've still got a long way to go to become world-class but we're on our way.
 

But sadly, most businesses are way behind. 

It means people in leadership positions only get about 3% of the genuine (hard to hear) feedback needed to grow at the speed you need to these days.

And what’s worse is that some don’t even see value in taking the first step.

If you’re one of them, it’s probably a good time to tell you to jump off this email. 

(In fact, scroll down and smash the unsubscribe button at the bottom now)

For the rest of you who have a growth mindset, you’re already well on your way to kicking arse and succeeding in the future. 

It’s just about turning up the dial a little on honesty, kindness and feedback a little.

If you want to read more about this topic, Ray Dalio’s book Principles outlines his model of ‘Radical Transparency’ and how they implemented a ‘believability weighted decision making’. 

Also, search for just about anything by Simon Sinek on YouTube and you’re in for a treat.

I hope this was helpful!